Buckley Opens Coffee Shop Next to Starbucks

Names it StarBuckleys

Annnapolis (SPP) – Mayor Gavin Buckley surprised Annapolis this morning by announcing that he had signed a lease for a vacant building in downtown Annapolis. Buckley is starting his own coffee shop, humorously named StarBuckleys.

The Mayor already owns several businesses in the area, including various bars, a head shop, and an illicit house of prostitution that he swore us to secrecy about. Under these circumstances, opening up a store that sells caffeine products wouldn’t normally generate much controversy, but several people have raised concerns regardless.

Notably, the manager of the Starbucks next store raised several concerns to The Super Patriot Post. “First, he’s ripping off our name. I’m sure the boys in corporate are going to have something to say about that,” Annapolis manager Chris Ebert said. “Second, thanks to that stupid construction the City has been doing in front of our shop, business has been down 50%. I see Buckley’s shop isn’t impacted” Ebert said referring to the installation of Silva Cells around the trees in front of his shop.

According to City of Annapolis officials, the installation of the Silva Cells will help with storm water maintenance and tree health, but Starbucks says they have hurt sales. City officials stated yesterday that the installation of the Silva Cells may take 2 or 3 years of construction.

“That’s ridiculous, the city crews aren’t even working most days,” Ebert stated. “They’re hurting our business and now the Mayor is trying to take our business? WTF.”

Ebert also expressed his frustration that Buckley wasn’t even going to have to hire human workers. “He’s planning on hiring genetically modified kangaroos to work there, while I have to hire actual people and pay them real money!”

When reached for comment, Buckley stated that he did intend to use some genetically modified kangaroos, but still intended to hire a couple human workers.

“It’s going to be just like Australia, mate,” Buckley told The Super Patriot Post. “We’re going to have real Australian coffee, the best in the world. We’re going to have kangaroos. We’re going to have Aborigines there too. Hopefully, we’ll hire some black kids to play them. Or I’ll just put on some black face, like I used to do back in Australia.”

Buckley said he intended to open his coffee shop in a week or two and was still actively looking for other business opportunities in the City. “I’m not going to be the only dipstick in this country who gets elected to office and fails to cash in on it,” Buckley stated.