Cars to be Banned in Annapolis

Buckley’s Controversial Plan Revealed

Annapolis (SPP) – As if the bike lane added to Main Street wasn’t controversial enough, Annapolis Mayor Gavin Buckley’s five year plan for eliminating cars from Annapolis was leaked this weekend to The Super Patriot Post. Dubbed “Operation Walkabout”, Buckley’s plan would ban almost all automobiles within city limits by 2023.

According to the secret document, all cars, except and police and other emergeny vehicles, will be banned from Main Street and Maryland Ave by the end of 2019. This will be expanded to the rest of the historic district by 2020. During this time, the City intends to tax at 50% all purchases of cars and trucks with an internal combustion engine by City residents. In addition, residents will have to pay a $5,000 a year special tax to park their vehicles within City limits. Electric cars will not be taxed, for now.

However, there is some good news in the proposal. Residents will receive a special tax credit if they purchase an electric Segway or scooter. In additional, scooters with internal combustion engines will still be allowed. Mayor Buckley, who has affectionately referred to scooters as “the Eastport Cadillac” believes that they are environmentally friendly and “cool enough” to be permitted. In addition, the City will keep importing kangaroos to increase the number of RooShaws and will install zip lines across the city to better connect people. Buckley is also working on a proposal to use a zip line to connect the top of the State House with the Ferris Wheel at the park on the City dock.

By 2021, the purchase of most cars by city residents will be outlawed. By 2022, even the purchase of electric vehicles will be forbidden. And by 2023, it will no longer be lawful to possess any car within city limits.

When reached for comment, Buckley refused to confirm any of the details of his plan, but did not deny that he had been working on ideas to reduce pollution and traffic in his Trip Room at the Pip Moyer Recreational Center. “City dock floods every time it rains,” Buckley stated. “If we don’t do something about emissions, we will just wash away. Plus cars are dangerous,” Buckley said.

Local residents, however, remained unconvinced. Germantown native, Mary McCoy, called this plan, “Bat shit insane” and noted that she would be unable to get to her job in D.C. without a car. Eastport resident Tony McGuire stated, “This can’t be real. But then again, it’s so hard to tell the difference between reality and satire these days.”