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Year: 2017

Annapolis news 

DNA Test Shows Pantelides Turkish, Not Greek

JakeConlan

DNA Test Shows Pantelides Turkish, Not Greek Lost Job at Greek Restaurant; Might Convert to Islam Annapolis (SPP) – As if 2017 wasn’t tough enough on former Annapolis Mayor Mike Pantelides, he got some upsetting news the other day when his DNA results came back from 23andme, the popular DNA testing company. Turns out, he isn’t Greek after all. “Man, I don’t know what to say. The whole thing has been devastating,” Pantelides said when reached for comment. “Here all this time I was told my family came from Cyprus,…

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Annapolis celebrity crime national news 

Subway Brings Back Jared as a Spokesman

JakeConlan

Subway Brings Back Jared as a Spokesman Company Hopes People Didn’t Know About Legal Difficulties Annapolis (SPP) – Faced with declining sales, Subway Restaurant announced a controversial new marketing strategy today involving Jared Fogle. Fogle came to fame in 2000, after losing 200 lbs on a Subway diet. He later went on to become a successful spokesman for the company and played a major role in driving sales. Fogle was later convicted in 2015 of possessing child pornography and was sentenced to 15 years in Federal Prison. After his arrest,…

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Annapolis national news 

Annapolis City Council Votes To Raise Taxes

JakeConlan

Annapolis City Council Votes To Raise Taxes Say it is a response to the “GOP Taxscam” Annapolis (SPP) – The Annapolis City Council voted last night to raise taxes in response to the Republican tax bill that recently passed Congress. Called the Tax Fairness Act, it imposes a 14% corporate income tax on city businesses. The GOP tax bill reduced corporate taxes from 35% to 21%. Similarly, using a complex formula, an income tax will be assessed on residents depending on how much they saved on their taxes. For example,…

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Annapolis news 

Buckley Makes Outback Steakhouse Slogan New City Motto

JakeConlan

Buckley Makes Outback Steakhouse Slogan New City Motto “No Rules, Just Right” to replace “Vixi Liber Et Moriar“ Annapolis (SPP) – Mayor Gavin Buckley surprised Annapolis residents today by announcing that he changed the City’s official motto, “Vixi Liber Et Moriar“, which is Latin for “I have lived, and I shall die, free” to “No Rules, Just Right” the slogan Outback Streakhouse used until 2007. “Outback is the best restaurant in Annapolis,” Buckley said, referring to the chain steakhouse which is technically located right outside of the city’s borders in…

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Annapolis news 

Police Warn of Tierney’s Holiday Contest

JakeConlan

Police Warn of Tierney’s Holiday Contest Say she could be ‘Grinch’ casing joints to rob Annapolis (SPP) – Ward One Alderwoman Elly Tierney announced this week that she is running a holiday lights contest in her district, with plans to give an award to the house with the best display. Normally this type of contest would go without controversy and even be welcomed, but Annapolis Police cautioned today that something more sinister could be afoot. “Over the last several years we have seen criminal gangs use Christmas lights contests as…

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Annapolis news 

New Mayor and Council meet, Robot Fred Paone Reinstated

JakeConlan

Annapolis City Council Returns, Robot Fred Paone Reinstated Mayor Buckley lead the movement to get Paone back on the council Annapolis (SPP) – In a rare and moving scene of bipartisanship, Annapolis Mayor Gavin Buckley lead the charge to have Alderman Fred Paone, the council’s only Republican, restored to the Annapolis City Council last night. Paone, who was first elected in 2013 and then reelected in 2017, was expelled from the City Council late last month after it was revealed that he was actually a robot. According to the then…

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Annapolis celebrity news 

Jimmy Buffett in Annapolis Today, Got Parking Ticket

JakeConlan

Jimmy Buffett in Annapolis Today, Got Parking Ticket Vowed “Dark Song of Revenge” About City Annapolis (SPP) – Jimmy Buffett was in Annapolis today to enjoy some of the local food and to watch the Lights Parade. But after he received a parking ticket this afternoon, he angrily left town. “I couldn’t find any parking on Main Street,” Buffett complained, “so I had to park in one of the nearby neighborhoods. I saw the sign that said I could only park for two hours, so after sitting at O’Brien’s eating…

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Annapolis news Uncategorized 

Gavin Buckley Proposes “Trip Room” at Pip Moyer Rec Center

JakeConlan

Gavin Buckley Proposes “Trip Room” at Pip Moyer Rec Center Mayor-elect credits illegal drugs with turning his life around Annapolis (SPP) – Mayor-elect Gavin Buckley really surprised everyone today when he proposed adding a “trip room” to the City-owned Pip Moyer Recreational Center. The Center serves as a gym and meeting place for city residents, but Buckley believes that residents, especially city officials, could benefit from having a room where they can safely use psychedelic drugs. “Psychedelics saved my life,” Buckley explained. “Twenty years ago I was coked out of…

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Annapolis news Uncategorized 

Mayor-elect Gavin Buckley Proposes Importing Kangaroos into Annapolis

JakeConlan

Mayor-elect Gavin Buckley Proposes Importing Kangaroos into Annapolis Genetically Modified Animals Would be Auctioned off to Perform Jobs Annapolis (SPP) – Mayor-elect Gavin Buckley appeared downtown today with a furry friend, a live kangaroo, to promote his latest plan to improve the quality of life for all Annapolitans. Dubbed Operation Hippety Hopper, Buckley proposed that the city import kangaroos from Australia. Not normal kangaroos, but genetically modified ones that would be able to do basic tasks, such as serving drinks or carrying a rickshaw. Last year at the University of…

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Annapolis news 

Alderman Fred Paone Exposed as a Robot

JakeConlan

Alderman Fred Paone Exposed as a Robot Sole Republican on the Council Actually Died in 2012 Annapolis (SPP) – Bad news for Republicans in Annapolis after it was revealed today that Alderman Fred Paone (Rep.) is a robot and thus ineligible to serve on the Annapolis City Council. The City Charter specifies that only living humans may hold office. This first came to light last night at the Annapolis Hanukkah Bush lighting when Paone, who was in the crowd, started to malfunction and fell to the ground. He was initially…

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